Sex does a lot of things, but as Jesse and Kara point out- it does not give you these 3 very important things.-Krystle K
Ah yes. Flowers. Dresses and suits. A romantic dinner. You open the door and are greeted by a silent house. A smile tugs at your lips. The kids are with someone else…anyone else, it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters are the smoky eyes of your spouse, and the way he/she is pulling you towards the bedroom that you don’t need to turn into Fort Knox for once. Clothes go flying.
You peer deep into his/her eyes and…realize there are 3 things that sex won’t give you.
Okay so if that’s what you’re thinking of in that moment, what’s the matter with you? But you’re not in that moment right now (unless you’re great at multi-tasking), so it’s as good a time as ever to think about some things you may be (unsuccessfully) trying to gain from sex.
Remember the old proverb, Beauty is only skin deep? The aim is to get us past the superficial exterior and begin to consider the things that truly matter. The things that go on at the core of who we are. Sex can certainly provide a boost to our self-image, but it’s like scratching an itch tormenting us at our core. We continue to itch and scratch, and nothing ever changes. Sex can provide temporary relief like an ointment but sooner rather than later (sometimes only moments later) the itch returns. Self-esteem isn’t fundamentally changed by the things we do or don’t do. Self-esteem is an established belief about our worth and value that stretches far beyond our daily experiences. As this author writes: “Your self-esteem, however, is something more fundamental than the normal ups and downs associated with situational changes. For people with good self-esteem, normal ups and downs may lead to temporary fluctuations in how they feel about themselves, but only to a limited extent. In contrast, for people with poor self-esteem, these ups and downs drastically impact the way they see themselves.” Sex cannot be the source of our value and worth. It cannot be the well we draw from. For those who’ve tried (or are currently trying) to gain worth and value from sex, the time spent in self-loathing is found to be far greater than the rush of euphoria gained through sexual intimacy.
Sex can be an expression of love, but in and of itself, it is not love. Love is to be something that’s given freely. It’s something that remains unchanged by the actions or inactions of others. Love never fails, but for those who’ve equated sex to love: it fails all the time. Dr. Shelly writes: “Sex is the engagement of sexual intercourse – the putting of body parts together. It is a biological event that occurs among all species. Love is a feeling of passionate affection toward another.” Yes, hopefully most of the time love is accompanied by feelings of passionate affection. But it’s not supposed to go away when we’re not feeling affection for our spouse for one reason or another. Love is designed to rise above the instability of emotions. Sex is filled with raging emotions. That’s one of the reasons why sex and love are equal to many people (especially women). What happens when the sex is over? What happens when the frequency decreases or just not possible for health reasons? What happens to love? Love certainly can and should be a part of sex, but sex cannot give us love. Sex is not love.
3. A Great Marriage
I’ve been told many times by many different people that having sex before marriage is important because it helps determine if they could marry that particular person. The reasoning goes like this: If the sex is good, then the marriage will be good. If it’s bad, I might as well just break it off now! If you’re one of the people that subscribe to the above reasoning, statistics are not your friend. Sex is just simply not a reason couples get divorced. Sex didn’t break the top ten in this list. This one either. Lack of sex or quality of sex doesn’t lead to divorce. Lack of intimacy does. They aren’t the same. Intimacy, or into-me-you-see, is a closeness. It’s familiarity. Sex can be done without it, but marriage can’t. Or at least not for long. Sex is a compliment to a great marriage, but by itself doesn’t have the power to give you one. Sex won’t save it either. There’s no easy answer to all of this. If you connect with us on our website, you may make some new discoveries. You may discover some hope for a relationship you think is dead or dying. You may even discover an answer for the deepest cries of your heart that go far beyond relationships.
About the writer:
Jesse and Kara live in Tampa Bay, Florida with their two amazing kids. Jesse is a Firefighter/Paramedic and author while Kara is a part time Assistant and full time Wife and Mommy. They are both passionate about marriage and family and helping others succeed where they’ve failed. www.jessebirkey.com