Her Choice: a story of abortion

Abortion. Krystle K and I wanted to address an issue that isn’t often talked about, but one that many, many women are dealing with alone. We are passionate about supporting women wherever they are in their journey, whether they are new moms, experienced moms, or, as in this case, healing moms. It is crazy to think that 4 out of 10 unintended pregnancies are aborted in this country. There are approximately 1.21 million abortions in America each year. (source) So what happens to all of these women? Some are able to carry on, but many are faced with incredible guilt and shame. The story you are about to read took a lot of bravery to pen. We applaud Amy for her choice to be so vulnerable and real with you, The Snap Mom audience. So without further ado…

Her Choice: A Story of Abortion

by Amy R. Hunt Amy, thank you so much for sharing your story with us today. How are you doing today with regards to the abortion? I wish I could wrap a pretty bow around my story and say that I’m “all better.” I’m still tempted to say it doesn’t matter, that there isn’t still a lump that I feel in my throat when I talk about this part in my life story. I still look around my shoulder to consider who I know that might be listening and fear certain people finding out. I don’t talk about this part in my story much at all; when I do, I still pick at the words as though I’m picking at the hem of my sleeve. Today, the word “abortion” is still hard for me to say.[pullquote_right]Today, the word “abortion” is still hard for me to say.[/pullquote_right] I still feel the heaviness in the pit of my stomach when I think about how awe-struck I was that this happened to me. I was supposed to be the “good girl.” This expectation of myself and the fact that I failed still humbles me. I still feel sadness and see shame cowering in the corner when I think about how I wasn’t really “good.” Each year I think back to how long it has been. The past handful of years I’ve literally had to do the math and calculate the years. Time feels like one long piece of yarn, balled up and batted around, making it seem impossible to believe it’s been 16 years. This year I’d be the mother of a teenager with college on the horizon; she would be nearing the age I was back then. I often think of how different my life might be today if… I had chosen another way. How has this changed your life? I spent 16 years making plans because that moment in time taught me to always be prepared. I’d spend hours incessantly focused on calendaring, make-believing that I was creating a life, when the truth is life itself had literally been sucked right out of me. The metaphor doesn’t escape me. I am sickened by it and sorrowed. I’ve lived so many of my days trying so hard, pining for perfect without even realizing it. And still, I would never quite get it right, always facing anger at myself that I will never be “good” enough. It’s taken years of trying to get life right only to finally give up in exhaustion from all that unproductive work. As I begin to talk about this dark part in my story, my tongue still gets twisted, and I stutter over this biggest decision of my life. I pause to consider how God hasn’t weighed one as bigger than another and that maybe I shouldn’t either. He chased after my heart, showing me that no matter what choices I make, His love will make me whole. I continue to struggle with a life habit of doing what I think I should do, only to flail, flop and fail. I still “work” at all I do and trip up with all my “trying,” especially to accept myself, not because I am good enough but because God simply chose me to be enough. Can you share about the day of the abortion and how you felt? I don’t often think of that day, how I felt so lonely. I think maybe I thought I’d be rescued right at the very end, that my parents would meet me there and take me away, deciding together that we’d figure out a way. I was disappointed — in myself and in them. It was the day after my 18th birthday and I felt overwhelmingly sad that it had to be this way. I think I partly felt numb from the shock that this was happening to me. I remember looking around the waiting room at all the women, wondering about their stories and what had led them to that place. A technician who did the patient intake asked me if I wanted to have an ultrasound done because I wasn’t that far along. I knew that if did, I might not get the job done. Now I wish that I hadn’t said “no” as quickly as I did. Sitting in the room by myself, I took a deep breath and knew that this was how it had to be. I made a decision in that moment to let a superhero character take over that day, transforming myself into someone appearing to be tough and incredibly strong, denouncing any emotion and focusing intensely on getting the job done. This persona would attach to me like a cape, following me with all that I did from that day on out, fighting to show that I could be relied on, that I could be strong. This was never to be spoken about and having it “taken care of” hundreds of miles outside of our town would all be to protect me; from what exactly, I’m not sure, though I suppose perhaps shame. Ultimately, though, it would be shame that would haunt me. I still remember the details, but they don’t matter as much as the days and the years that followed. I went home that day after it was done, shut the door to my room, and cried for weeks. I learned how to box up the uncomfortable stuff in life and pack it away. Why did you choose to have an abortion? I’ll never forget how I felt when I found myself pregnant, faced with panic and fear, so uncertain about what to do. Sitting around the kitchen table to tell my parents of my news, I realized that my family expected me to have a plan. But I didn’t, so the answer of what to do was decided for me. This would be better for me, or so I was told. I worried about what people would think of me, knowing it was “the wrong thing for a Christian to do.” I can still feel the disappointment I had in myself for being so much like many other girls — so common and average; words that described what I feared most about myself. But I feared my parents’ disappointment in me more than my respect for others or even myself. [pullquote_left]But I feared my parents’ disappointment in me more than my respect for others or even myself.[/pullquote_left] I needed my parents, so the thought of losing them because of a choice I preferred not make was beyond overwhelming. It was the threat of them abandoning my day-to-day life that weakened me and propelled me to make that big choice. I already had a father who moved away, and I couldn’t even fathom living completely on my own. I finally surrendered to what appeared as better for me and right, when every bit of me ached and roared inside to do what I knew was most right and to honor the real me. Does one ever heal? As much of a mistake-maker and mess-creator as I am, I’ve seen beauty come out of the dark places in my life; I’ve seen grace. This truth has led me to accept my story, and most of all myself. I see now how that moment of not feeling strong enough to choose another way is what led me to put on the superhero cape. I began a life of appearing strong so that nothing and no one would “win.” I lived life as a game as opposed to a real unique thing. Healing has come. I know with confidence that this one moment in my life does not define who I am. My worth and who I am is not wrapped up in that single choice. I’ve finally realized this truth: I am not ever going to be as “good” as I think I should be, or even want to be. (Not this side of Heaven, anyway.) I’ve learned that to God I am enough — just as I am. I’ll never know which decision in my life was the “biggest,” and I wonder now, with all these years in between, if perhaps it was when I chose by faith to believe all is for a purpose, choosing to trust that I am what my name means: Beloved. It’s this big decision to accept God’s love that has brought healing and wholeness, purpose and peace. God knew how I longed for real, unconditional love; though my ultimate decision to abort a life was still very wrong, He knew my struggle and my heart. Ever since I made this choice, I’ve had an interest in adoption. I’ve said that I want to adopt, and I’ve berated myself about whether or not it’s to atone for my sin. Part of the reason may be for that, though mostly I want to celebrate the brave choice a girl makes to give a child a future. I understand how so many girls simply want to be noticed and known. I’ve been given a passion to help girls who, similarly to me, were too afraid to do what they knew was right. It is my heart cry to encourage girls to honor their real, authentic stories. What advice can you give to someone who’s been through an abortion and is dealing with the emotional outcome? On several occasions, I’ve spoken publicly and written about how forgiveness and love have overwhelmed me in spite of my decision. I believe every woman who has made this choice should talk about it. When we bring our stories into light, that’s when God can use it in powerful and meaningful ways. That’s when we can experience grace to see how all really is purposed. And that’s when we can lead others to hope that they, too, can be redeemed. So, I’d urge women to go to a counselor and to talk with other women who have made the same choice. Surround yourself with people who don’t let you bury this deep inside, who know the value of talking about and sharing your story. God will do whatever it takes for us to know His true love, giving us acceptance that no one else can give. I have a passion to help others see how their story really does matter, no matter what they’ve done or why. My advice is to be willing to receive — your full self and your story, as it is — letting grace replace your self-scorn and shame. The moment you lean in and be, you set into motion the opportunity to see . . . how the darkness of your story truly reflects the beauty of His glory. [pullquote_right]the darkness of your story truly reflects the beauty of His glory[/pullquote_right]

About the Author 1385207_10202576929450762_484747653_n A God-sized dreamy-ideas girl, Amy is passionate about seeing and declaring real worship lived out in the simple *whirl and twirl* of life. She lives in Central New York with her groom and their Boy-Man who make her belly laugh practically every day. An early morning riser, Amy is a sky-adorer and runs long hills “for the view”. She cares deeply about radical acceptance of people and trusts All. Is. For. Purpose. Follow A {Grace} full *life* on Facebook, and Twitter Snap Mom Recommended Reading: 51RcPoU7zWL._SY344_PJlook-inside-v2,TopRight,1,0_SH20_BO1,204,203,200_         PURCHASE           41BQOUw97yL._SY344_PJlook-inside-v2,TopRight,1,0_SH20_BO1,204,203,200_       PURCHASE
4 Comments
  1. […] a nurse and medical support staff saw her inherent beauty and saved her life after a failed saline abortion. She was adopted into a loving family that fell in love with her the first time they laid eyes on […]

  2. courtney spiers January 3, 2014 at 8:40 pm

    The minute I saw the headline I knew I had to read it. Since I myself, have been in Amy’s shoes and know the pain and the emotions that I still have till this day. Thank you for sharing, I needed this.

    • Amy Hunt January 3, 2014 at 9:30 pm

      May, together, He continue to lead us further into His embrace. So glad you commented here, Courtney. {hugs}