This beautiful post was shared with us anonymously.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139:13
You were a beautiful beginning to a wonderful project. You were being knitted by expert hands, and you were just as you should be. You were being knit in my womb, and I loved you. The needles clanked and the lines grew. At some point though, a stitch was dropped, maybe another was added on, but in the end, the stitches had to be undone and unwound; frogged.
It has been a few weeks now, since it was confirmed that your heart was finished beating. Some days it all hits me like a wave and I have a hard time getting my day started, and other days I have energy and hope again and I can picture things clearly and peacefully. I was having a rough morning last week, and I had started to knit when I saw the image and the verse that has given me new perspective and a more complete view of God’s timing and peace.
I started knitting as a way to keep my hands moving and my mind quiet. It has been a beautiful way to be productive and still at the same time. I kept getting frustrated with my work because of how imperfect it was. I would start a new line and look back at old lines and see where the mistakes were. In order to keep practicing, and to get a more perfect project, I would frog.
“Frogging” in the knitting world refers to the way that you “rip it, rip it, rip it”– you pull out your needles and happily unwind the lines of stitches. It’s not a bad thing, and although it can be frustrating the further along you are, you always start again, with renewed hope for less mistakes, and a more whole project.
I don’t know why the stitches weren’t as they should be. I don’t know why your heart couldn’t always beat. The frogging was hard and sad and dark. No matter how much I wanted my perfect project, it did not happen that way… and so, I’ll start again. There’s frustration and hurt but also hope. I know that old string still makes beautiful things. I know that one day the project will be finished.
I know that one day the stitches will be as they should, and all uniform, and perfect, and complete…
Snap Mom Recommended Reading For Miscarriage:
United Methodist pastor Elise Erikson Barrett draws on her own painful experiences, as well as on interviews with others who have gone through the devastation of miscarriage, in an effort to help women grieve and, in time, to think theologically about pregnancy loss. Barrett also offers some much-needed practical advice about breaking the news to others, coping with insensitive comments, and grieving what is often a private loss, unmarked by the world.