The moment I find out that I am pregnant, I am filled with joy and anticipation. I dream about holding my baby. I think about what my labor might be like. I start talking to the baby. I begin to pray for safety and wholeness. I am almost consumed with excitement. This pregnancy was no exception. My husband and I were so elated, and so was everyone around us. (click here to watch our announcement video to you, our snap mom community)
It was like every other morning. I woke up. Got the girls up. Fed them breakfast. Went to the bathroom, and instantly I knew my life was changed for good. Blood. Lot’s of it. “REI!!!!!!”, I called. “Oh no Rei! I am bleeding”! My heart started pounding out of my chest. I began to cry. I started praying to God that everything would be okay. Rei came down the stairs faster than ever before, came to my side, and said that it was okay, that no matter what happened from there that he loved me.
We arrived at the doctor’s office. I was sitting there, holding Rei’s hand, dreading the moment that my name would be called. We got into the room, and my sweet Dr. McCullen came through the door and hugged me, and told me it was all going to be alright. She pulled out the doppler and said, “let’s hear that sweet heartbeat and then we will know it’s all good in there.” She held my hand, looked into my eyes before she began and said, “Whitney, everything is alright”. I looked at Rei as she began to search for the heartbeat. Please let there be a heartbeat. Oh please be okay sweet baby. Then, a beautiful “thump thump…thump thump”…my heart leaped…”that’s your heartbeat, but don’t worry, I am going to keep trying” said the Doctor. My heart sank and tears filled my eyes. I knew in my heart that she was searching in vain. After what seemed like an eternity, she said that it was still early to find the heart beat on the doppler, and that we would just walk across the hall and see the baby through ultrasound.
I layed on that table and stared at my doctors face as she watched the screen. Then I saw the grimace. She looked at me, then at Rei, then back at me and said “Oh Whitney, sweetheart, there is no heart beat, it’s a miscarriage, I am so very sorry”. I felt almost numb. How could this be true? We saw the heartbeat just a few weeks before. I asked her if I did this. If I did too much with the girls and over exerted. She assured me that I did not cause this. That it just “happens sometimes”. I looked at Rei and just kept telling him that I was so sorry. I felt responsible.
I opted for a natural miscarriage, but had no idea what that meant being as far along as I was. My first natural miscarriage was very much like a weird period.
It started out with mild cramps at about 10pm, and then full on labor pains! I sent Rei to pick up some motrin at about 12:00 midnight. I was laying in bed rocking back and forth in pain. All of a sudden I oddly felt like my body was involuntarily pushing. I ran to the bathroom and sat on the toilet just in time for clot after clot the size of my arms to come out. I phoned my husband. Over and over, and he didn’t answer. I phoned Krystle, and poor thing had to listen to me cry and moan. She assured me that everything was okay. I sat there in the bathroom, and then my sweet baby came. Not much bigger than my pinky, with black sesame seed eyes. I was amazed. What a perfect little one. I kept saying out loud. “You are perfect. You are beautiful. I want you back.” I cried from the depths of my soul, begging God to help me get through this. I felt robbed. I felt gutted. Empty. Guilty in some way. I was supposed to protect this baby.
Rei came home to a broken woman. I don’t want to go into detail of what happened next as I am still working through the trauma, but let me say that having my husband and God support me in my darkest hour were paramount to my recovery.
If you were to ask me if I would opt for a natural miscarriage again instead of having a DNC, I would say absolutely. I am so very proud of my body for doing its job.
Below are some things that I learned along the way.
Thank you for walking with me.
The following is my guide for “What to Expect When You Are Not Expecting”:
- Let the tears flow-it’s healing
- Be prepared for people to say the oddest things and realize that they are trying to help. (click here to read 10 Things Not to Say to a Woman Who Has Had a Miscarriage)
- Accept any and all help offered
- Expect labor like pain, but know it will be shorter
- Don’t dwell on what you did or didn’t do during the pregnancy
- Pray to God for strength
- Find a way to memorialize the baby-it helps
- Expect to need about a week to recover physically
- Eat lots of greens and iron filled foods to replenish
- Ask for help when you need it
- Surround yourself with the ones you love
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From the moment we knew you existed you were loved and wanted. I enjoyed every day with you. I know that I will see you again. Rest in Peace my sweet angel. I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as I am living… My baby you’ll be.
Your heartbroken mommy