Infant Loss: The Birth Story of Joscelyn Pearl Graber {trigger: loss}

Infant Loss: The Birth Story of Joscelyn Pearl Graber {trigger: loss}

Warning: This article contains pictures and content that may not be suitable for all readers.

I had the privilege of attending the homebirth of a sweet baby that rocked my world. April 23rd at 1:07am she made her debut. We all held our breaths and prayed as she was placed on her mother’s chest. Is she alive? God please let her be alive. Please God. I kept praying as my eyes started to well up. You see, this precious baby was diagnosed with a fatal heart defect and no emergency surgery, hospital or Dr could heal her. Knowing that they may only have a few precious seconds, minutes or hours with her, brave Momma & strong Daddy decided to have her in the comfort of home (with Drs approval & hospice on call) so she would only know peace and love and the feeling of her home. We were all praying and beliveing for a miracle that only God himself could perform. Within seconds of being born I watched her slip away before my very eyes. She seemed to retreat and become glassy-eyed. “We are losing her”… I kept thinking. Her mom started saying “Jesus” again and again sweetly and quietly over her little body and she came back to us! The hours following were holy moments. Her mother told us that name was Joscelyn Pearl which meant joy and long life. Her father read the Bible to her. Her family was alerted that she had arrived to meet them and her twin sisters came to hold her and family and close friends gathered to greet her. The next morning she simply closed her eyes, took her last breath and went back to Heaven. I am honored that I got to witness such a testimony of what it looks like to be in the middle of the most pain a person can tolerate and still see joy abound. Below is the birth as told by pictures, and baby Joscelyn’s brave Momma, Jen. -Krystle K

reading the word

 

The first picture I chose is of Brenton reading scripture over me as I was in the early stages of labor. He read Psalm 103 and 139. We both clung so tightly to the Word of God during my pregnancy with Joscelyn and having those Scriptures read over me gave me an extra boost of strength and peace and reminded me that nothing in this life surprises God. He created me in and out and knows everything I do before I even do it. He was right there with me through the entire labor. My husband was my rock through my labor. For someone who was extremely sqeemish at the idea of a natural home birth, he seriously passed with flying colors! I cannot brag on him enough.

 

laughing

 

This next picture we were, in fact, laughing. 🙂 Who would’ve thought that you could laugh when you’re in labor?? I sure didn’t! I remember at this point that Brenton said to me, “I think I’m squeezing your hand harder than you’re squeezing mine!” He was surprised at how at ease I was during my contractions and was fully expecting me to practically rip his arm off. I think I even amazed myself. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

crying

 

I finally just let the tears flow. My entire labor was indeed peaceful and yet so intense. Intense with emotion, anticipation, and excitement of finally meeting our little angel. At the same time, it took so much focus mentally and spiritually. Focus to make it through the pain and try to stay focused on Scripture and worship with the songs we had playing in the background. I was so determined that our baby would be born healthy, happy, and whole…..that God would give me my miracle. I think I even just cried out to God at this point to take my pain and get me through this, to be with me, carry me, and sustain me now more than ever.

    

 

 

 

 

excited

I absolutely LOVE this picture of Brenton and me. I was so tired and delirious at this point and I know he was feeling pretty exhausted himself. And yet, I can tell he was so excited and thrilled to meet his little girl. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING even comes close to how it felt for me to have his support and encouragement to go through what I did. He walked this hard road with me and saw probably more than he hoped he would, but he was all in. And I am forever grateful and more in love with him for it. That is what real men are made of.

    

 

 

harmony

Then there was Harmony. Hands down the world’s best midwife. This lady was so sweet, caring, and so loving during my labor and after Joscelyn was born. I remember crying out to her when I was in labor almost pleading with her to make the pain stop. (As if she could take it away somehow.) 🙂 We wouldn’t have been able to do what we did without her support and kind spirit. Even though we’d only known her for a short time before Joscelyn’s birth, I know she walked through some of the most intense moments with us and we are eternally grateful for that.

    

 

 

born

 

And she’s finally here!!!! I remember when Harmony tried to hand her to me, my arms were so weak and I felt so exhausted that I told her I couldn’t hold her. Trust me, that didn’t last long at all! Having that sweet little girl in my arms after all those months of waiting, anticipating, praying, dreaming, etc., was the most intensely sweet moment I’ve ever been a part of. I think Brenton cried more than I did. Haha! 🙂 I told her she was beautiful and that she was perfect. I remember thinking, “Okay, let’s keep praying and there’s still time for a miracle!” So I started praying over her, and I spoke the name of Jesus over her. As I prayed I felt myself start to shake almost uncontrollably. Almost as if the power of Jesus was over me as I was holding her. And she responded. Her moments of lethargy and weakness turned to a little more alert and awake. She cried and grabbed my finger once. Just once as I held her and as we tried our best to keep her warm and give her as much love and comfort as we possibly could. And Jesus gave us those precious four and a half hours with our little angel. She not only brought us such immense joy as I carried her in my womb, but even in those few hours we had with her we felt such joy and peace as we soaked up every little detail about her that we could before she went to be with Jesus and all the other babies in Heaven.

 

Saying goodbye was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. But, I know that it won’t be forever. As painful as it is not having her here with me to hold and nurture and see her life lived out here on earth, I know that she is with her Savior, her Creator, her Healer, her Jesus. And that is what gets me through the pain and the questions. Without Jesus to sustain me and my little family, we would be so, so lost and wounded beyond repair. It hasn’t by any means been easy, and sometimes the hurt is so deep and intense I feel my heart could burst, but I have the hope and promise through Jesus that I WILL get to see her again, hold her, and never ever have to let go again. 

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Our God is Healer and He is STILL and ALWAYS on the throne. She is perfect and whole, safely in the arms of the One who created her and blessed us with a short, peaceful time with her on this earth. Dance with Jesus, my sweet Joscelyn, dance until one day I can dance with you in Heaven.”  -Jen

We are so grateful to Jen for telling Joscelyn’s story. If you have experienced loss, feel free to join our Infant Loss Support Group (CLICK HERE)

 

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