It’s been 4 months since my miscarriage. (I hate that word.) I get asked a lot how I am doing with it, and for the most part I have done my grieving and moved on as much as possible. However, for some reason with the holidays approaching I have hit a bit of a wall and I can’t help but feel rather sad that I am no longer pregnant. I think what really threw me off was getting a confirmation call for our anatomy ultrasound that somehow didn’t get cancelled. It made me realize how far along I should have been. Finding out the gender is one of my most favorite times in pregnancy so my heart was re-broken knowing that I should be finding out. I was so excited about this baby, and even though it was a surprise it was a welcomed surprise.
When I am pregnant I feel like a sacred vessel. I feel delightedly useful. I honestly just feel special. Like I am doing something for humanity. That seems a bit silly maybe, but it’s the truth. So now I feel a little bit…how do I put it…oh yes, I feel empty in some regards. It’s just where I am at.
So what now?
Well, my husband and I have decided to wait another year or so to try for another baby and even though I desperately want to be pregnant now, I am focusing on pouring into my girls. When I was pregnant I was really focused on the new baby. Planning planning planning. Now that energy has shifted back to my girls.
Mercedes and Sofia are 2.5 and 13 months now, and I have come to a really great place where life with them is honestly just fun! I play with them as much as possible. We have wonderful times of learning and exploring. I am teaching them to play piano and my Mercedes is such a great music student and knows a lot of music theory for a 2 year-old!
I know that I will eventually have another baby and so I am trying to be content with how life is now but I still feel sad. That’s where I am at.
Until next time…
click here to read about my miscarriage
My sweet Mercedes and I at a theme park.
Cuddling in bed with Miss Sofia!
Mercedes rocking her amber necklace
True story: My husband loves to babywear!