Well…this is an akward topic, but Whitney J and I think it’s important to “go there.” So without further ado…
Let’s be honest, talking about sex with anyone other than your husband is a little personal… Sure, we may talk about some of it with our best friends, but to go into great detail is something that is often kept private.
I was raised by a single mom; she became pregnant with me at a young age. It was always ingrained in me that sex was bad until you are married. The problem with that is, it’s almost impossible to turn that mindset off just because it’s your wedding day. Sex becomes a bad thing when it should instead be viewed as a good (better yet- GREAT) thing, when done in the right context.
I am nine years into marriage. Up until just a few years ago, I couldn’t fully embrace the idea that it was ok for me to make love to my husband. That it was ok to give my entire self to him.
I believe this is why a lot of women have a hard time having an orgasm.
You are there physically, but mentally, you are checked out (or just not “checked in”) as if enjoying spending that time with your husband is still “wrong.” I had to break out of this mentality myself. Once I broke down those walls, I was able to reach the mental part of making love that most women definitely do not discuss: having an orgasm…
If we don’t talk about it here amongst girlfriends, and admit that for some of us it has never (or just) happened in our marriage, then some of us might find ourselves feeling alone!
Do you want to reach another level of intimacy while making love to your husband? Let’s talk about how to get there!
Here are the 4 steps to a better sex life:
1. Communication is Key
Talking with your husband about what things he needs to do more of and what things he needs to stop. Discuss with him what things need to be worked on. Before my husband and I were married, we were clueless on so much pertaining to intimacy. Talking about it in detail was very awkward at first, but the more we talked about it the easier it became. Your husband is your best friend, the person that knows you better than anyone, especially on an intimate level. It’s OK and appropriate to talk to him. These conversations should not only happen IN the bedroom, but also out of it.
2. Know Your Own Body
I don’t recommend doing this all on your own. This is part of the learning experience that should be done with your husband. Sex education in school discussed a lot, but they never went into detail about the human body. Read a book about the female body; have your husband read the same book with you. Do research online about how the female body works and what parts are best for arousal. Explore your own body, and allow your husband to do the same. I recommend making this a part of the love making experience and not exploring on your own.
3. It’s in the details
Sometimes as wives and moms making love, we are likely to be thinking about our to do list, what we need from the grocery store, and what we need to get done tomorrow. (Was that the baby crying?) We worry about how our body looks, and if our hair and make-up are on point. Reaching the big O is all about focusing on every little detail of lovemaking and being very present in the sensations, and the feeling of simply being able to spend time with your husband in a way that only the two of you understand.
4. Take it slow
As women, our bodies don’t like to be rushed. Some of us take our time doing our hair and makeup, and shopping and picking out an outfit to wear. It is not any different when it comes to reaching an orgasm during lovemaking. We need time to let that mental to do list go and really be present in the moment. Foreplay before lovemaking is a key part, do not skip it just because you want to rush things. Take it slow. You can prepare yourself mentally throughout the day. Note: Don’t make reaching an orgasm your main goal during lovemaking if you have never had one or rarely have one. Your mind will be so focused on reaching that point that you will miss all the important moments in between that get you there. Allow yourself to completely be present and in the moment with your husband.
Finally, do not feel any less than or embarrassed if you have never reached an orgasm. It is something that affects many wives, you are not alone.
About the author:
Nikki is a stay at home mom to three high spirited boys. Three years ago she became a motherless daughter after losing her own mom to terminal brain cancer. When she is not playing the role of referee for the boys, she spends her days trying to encourage and inspire others that are on the grief journey.